For two years their fighting had escalated, with tension and
bitterness mounting month after month. When Jim and Kelly were together
physically, the emotional and spiritual distance between them gnawed at
their insides. Each fight ended with Jim walking out the door and
slamming it behind him. But he always came back.
"I can't stand this anymore!" Kelly cried as Jim headed toward the door
one evening during another argument. "You get mad at me, then leave. We
never resolve anything. When you come back, you act like nothing
happened. Well!" she announced in exasperation. "It's not going to
happen this time."
And it didn't. This time when Jim left, he didn't return. It was six
weeks later in a counselor's office before they saw each other again.
While divorce and infidelity visibly tear Christian marriages apart,
marital separation maintains a silent and growing presence in our
churches and communities where many couples languish silently in the
shadows. Usually perceived as a precursor to divorce, separation is the
awkward stepchild that no one knows how to handle. Yet the numbers are
staggering. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, more than 2.5 million
couples were separated in the year 2000. A report from a Gallup poll
translates the numbers into astounding percentages: "If you have ever
been married, the odds are 50-50 that you've either been divorced,
separated or seriously close to separation. If you're between the ages
of 35 and 54, those odds increase to two out of three."
Marriage counselor Dr. Willard F. Harley, author of His Needs, Her
Needs, maintains that 15 to 20 percent of married couples end their
lives permanently separated.
Although these numbers reflect an enormous need, few churches know what
to do for couples who separate.
"Everybody kept telling me to go to singles," says Michelle Williams,
who was separated from her husband for two years. "They kept talking
about divorce recovery. And I kept telling people, including pastors,
'But I'm not divorced. I'm not single. I'm married.' But there was
nothing for people who were separated." The only place that offered any
hope to someone who was separated was the singles program, and the hope
you found there was in meeting singles who were divorced. So divorce
became the only hope anybody offered.
Added to this lack of direction from churches is a general scarcity of
resources for the separated in the larger marketplace. While a
Christian bookstore might carry an entire shelf of books on divorce
recovery, a customer is fortunate to find one book on surviving
separation. The truth is, there is a huge gap in resources for married
couples swimming through the murkiest of waters.
But the question lingering in the minds of most onlookers is, what real
hope is there for couples once they separate? Isn't it already too
late? Isn't the possibility of reconciliation extremely slim?
To the contrary: according to Howard Weinberg in the Journal of
Marriage and the Family, one third of women who attempt to
reconcile their marriages succeed in doing so. And somewhere in the
fabric of the general population, 10 percent of currently married
couples in the United States have experienced a separation and
reconciliation at some point in their marriage. A report from the
Department of Health and Human Services (DHHS) shows that almost half
of those who separate do not divorce within the first year. Longer than
three years, however, divorce is more likely.
Some suggest we view a separated couple as we would a friend diagnosed
with cancer. With proper treatment, there is a good chance of recovery.
Left alone, the marriage will probably not make it.
What people need is hope. "If you only have one friend who says, 'I
think you guys are going to make it,' even one friend giving you that
hope, it is light in a dark place," says Dwight Bain, a licensed mental
health counselor and certified family law mediator.
A couple who is left alone through a separation "is the saddest thing
ever," says Williams, who with husband Joe founded "Reconciling God's
Way," a phenomenally successful program for those who are separated.
"When you're separated and all alone, without the right kind of
counsel, your marriage will end in divorce."
Reconciling God's Way now reaches into 325 churches both nationally and
internationally. According to the Williamses, the program achieves more
than a 90 percent success rate for couples who go through it together
and 50 percent for couples where just one participates. "At least 50
percent of the time," they report, "when a couple separates, only one
person is interested in working on it." Consequently, one advantage of
Reconciling God's Way is one member of the couple can do it alone, and
they can begin immediately. The program stresses having an
accountability partner of the same gender while working through a
workbook. Churches can work with one or both members of the couple
individually, or hold classes where men and women sit on different
sides of the room so that those without a willing spouse are
comfortable attending.
Bridging the Gap Between Separation and Restoration
How then do we help couples through the mire of marital breakdown?
Steven W. Harley, M.S., son of Dr. Willard F. Harley and a specialist
in infidelity counseling, sums up the reason for divorce in one word.
"When it's all boiled down," he says, "the fact is that divorce is
caused by hopelessness."
Roger Shepherd, a licensed mental health counselor specializing in
marriage and family counseling, agrees. "It is hopelessness that things
will ever be different, that we will ever find what we're looking for
in this relationship. Then what feeds the hopelessness [in a
separation] is you become more and more isolated, more and more alone.
You find fewer and fewer places where you feel comfortable."
"And if the only place you can find hope is in a singles class," adds
Michelle Williams, "where you're meeting people who tell you, 'Look,
you're going to be OK. I'm divorced, and I'm OK,' then [separated
people] begin to see their only hope in the form of a good divorce.
People get separated out of frustration; the divorce becomes final out
of hopelessness."
And that's where friends, pastors and counselors fit in.
Friends help when "they're showing up and taking an interest," says
Shepherd. "I don't mean coming in and telling them what to do, but
coming in and giving them a safe place to be honest. That's why I think
counseling is so important; it's a safe place. What bothers me,"
Shepherd continues, "is that when people don't know what to do, they
don't get involved. It's just like, even when people are grieving the
loss of a loved one, people don't know what to do, so they tend to stay
distant. That is the problem."
"Give your friend hope," advise the Williamses. "They're in a situation
where they're feeling lonely and embarrassed, maybe embarrassed to go
to church without their spouse. So you want to create an atmosphere for
them where they can grow closer to the Lord. Go with them to church or
Bible study or a retreat."
Counselors agree this is not the time to arrange a date for them.
Remember they are separated, not divorced. The worst thing you can do,
says Dr. Jim Talley, is tell a separated person to "get on with your
life."
Probably the best news for separated couples is the emergence of couple
mentoring programs that are turning marriages around in incredible
numbers.
Retrouvaille, now in its 25th year, is "an extraordinary program that
works miracles!" reports one couple whose marriage was successfully
restored after a three-year separation. "It is so well planned, it
enables your hearts to really connect again. I would recommend, before
any couple divorces, they go to Retrouvaille. It will save their
marriage."
In fact, studies show a 75 percent success rate for couples who
complete the program, even though at least a third are separated when
they come to the weekend. "Some are even divorced," report Roger and
Pat Bate, the international coordinating couple. Retrouvaille consists
of a weekend and six follow-up sessions led by peer couples whose own
marriages have recovered from serious trauma. "The tools we give the
couple provide them the opportunity to develop real closeness and
intimacy," says Bate, "a closeness that allows them to deal with issues
from a posture of combined strength ‰ÞÓ couple strength.
All of a sudden they find they're successful in attacking the issues
because they're attacking them together rather than attacking one
another."
Separations That Heal
What may seem surprising is that many counselors actually recommend a
short separation as part of the healing process for marriages in
distress. Bain cites 1 Corinthians 7:5, which allows for a couple to be
apart for the purpose of prayer and fasting, as a basis for a
separation of up to 40 days. He derives the time period from the 40
days that Jesus fasted and prayed. "Longer than that," the counselor
says, "and I want to see extreme structure" so it does not become a
precursor to divorce. For couples who need a longer separation, he
drafts a contract between the husband and wife, outlining how money
will be handled, how often they will see each other, and parenting
responsibilities. "Separation is for the purpose of restoration, not a
prelude to divorce," Bain says. "It is about building a new
relationship between the two parties. It's a time for each of them to
deal with the hardness in their hearts so they can save the marriage."
Bain typically structures a separation from one to six months.
Perhaps the biggest question is, who makes it through a separation and
who doesn't?
A disturbing DHHS statistic shows separations more likely turn into
divorce for Protestant Christians than for Catholics and
non-Christians. Why? Bain suggests a serious reason many Christian
couples fail to reconcile is that "they're embarrassed to seek help.
Couples need to break through that embarrassment and realize healthy
people seek help. Even one person can get help to save a relationship
from a relationship cancer."
And for those who do get help, what is the secret of restoring a
torn-apart marriage?
"The number one thing," say the Williamses, "is that they learn to take
their focus off their spouse to meet all their needs. They get their
focus on God, get the log out of their own eye, begin working on their
own individual issues, and wait to see what God does."
For those who reconcile then, what is the prognosis? Are they happy, or
do they just endure each other?
Bain does not hesitate. "I think the ones who truly have let God change
their hearts are the happiest people on the planet. Because now they
have the marriage of their dreams. They just don't have the baggage of
a broken and failed marriage."
First
appeared in Light and Life Magazine,
May/June 2003
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